When you're harder on yourself than on anyone else

Low self-esteem doesn't necessarily mean thinking you're a terrible person. It can look like constantly questioning yourself, worrying about what other people think, dismissing your achievements or assuming other people are judging you. You probably appear confident and capable to those around you, but inside there's a nagging feeling that you're not quite good enough.

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You might be someone who is very aware of your mistakes and shortcomings but who finds it difficult to recognise your successes or strengths. Perhaps you compare yourself with other people, replay conversations afterwards or worry that you've upset or disappointed someone.​​ Even when someone has genuinely hurt or upset you, you still might tell yourself that you're being silly, too sensitive or making a fuss. Or that it must somehow be your fault. And because your inner critic has probably been telling you these things for a long time, it can be difficult to imagine responding to yourself any differently.

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You might recognise some of these feelings

You may:

• feel that you're never quite good enough

• be very critical of yourself when things don't go to plan

• worry about disappointing people

• find it difficult to say no or put your own needs first

• feel guilty when you prioritise yourself

• constantly compare yourself with others

• struggle to accept compliments or recognise your achievements

• replay conversations and wonder whether you said the wrong thing

• feel responsible for other people's feelings

• put pressure on yourself to get things right

• avoid things if you're afraid of getting them wrong

• find it difficult to ask for help

• feel that you have to be useful, capable or needed to feel worthwhile or loved
   

You don't have to identify with all of these experiences. Sometimes low self-esteem is much quieter than this. It can show up as a persistent sense that other people are more capable, more attractive, more successful or more deserving than you are.

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When your inner critic never seems to switch off

Perhaps you've learned to measure yourself by what you achieve, how well you look after other people or how successfully you manage everything life throws at you.​ You may be the person others rely on because you're capable, dependable and good at getting things done. But being the capable one can come at a cost when you don't allow yourself the same care and understanding that you readily offer to everyone else.

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You might find yourself thinking:

"I should be able to cope with this."
"Why am I making such a fuss?"
"Other people manage this, so why can't I?"
"I should have this sorted by now."

Over time, this constant soundtrack from your inner critic and the pressure it puts you under can leave you feeling exhausted, anxious and disconnected from what you need. Or want.

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People pleasing and perfectionism​​: when keeping everyone happy comes at a cost

Perhaps you've become an expert at anticipating what other people need. You may avoid conflict, find it difficult to disappoint people or automatically say yes even when you don't really want to do something.

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You might be someone who puts pressure on yourself to get things right. Perfectionism can sometimes look like high standards and achievement, but underneath it can lie a fear of making mistakes, being judged or discovering that you're not good enough.

These ways of coping have often developed for very good reasons. They may once have helped you feel safe, accepted or in control. But what helped you cope in the past can become exhausting when you feel you have to keep doing it all the time. 

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Understanding where your self-criticism comes from

Our relationship with ourselves is shaped by many things: our experiences, relationships, expectations and the roles we've taken on throughout our lives. Maybe you've learned that being capable, useful, successful or easy to get along with helps you to feel valued or accepted. Perhaps you've become used to putting your own needs aside or judging yourself harshly when you don't meet your own expectations.

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Sometimes these ways of thinking and behaving develop as a way of protecting ourselves. They may have helped you feel safe, avoid conflict, gain approval or maintain a sense of control in the past. But something that once helped you cope can become exhausting when you feel that you have to keep doing it.

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Understanding where these patterns come from isn't about blaming yourself or anyone else. It's more about helping you to notice and become more curious about the voice that tells you off for not doing enough or says you should be coping better. Noticing is just the first step and from there you can begin to consider whether you want to respond to yourself differently. ​

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From self-criticism to self-trust

Developing self-esteem isn't about feeling confident all the time and never doubting yourself. It can be about learning to listen to yourself and trust that your needs, feelings and opinions matter. ​In counselling we can explore what is important to you, what you need from your relationships and what you want your life to look like. Over time, this can help you make choices based not only on what other people expect from you, but on what feels right and meaningful for you. 

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You might begin to recognise that being kind to yourself doesn't mean lowering your standards or being selfish. It means learning to treat yourself with the same understanding that you naturally show others; building trust in yourself to recognise what you need; making a decision without endlessly second-guessing yourself and tolerating the discomfort of disappointing someone without believing you've done something wrong.

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Counselling: building a kinder relationship with yourself

Rather than judging yourself for being a people pleaser, perfectionist or harsh self-critic, counselling offers you the space to explore these patterns of behaviour with compassion and to consider whether they are still useful to you.​ Through your sessions we can explore the beliefs that have shaped how you see yourself, understand the pressure you put on yourself and help you develop a kinder, more compassionate and accepting relationship with yourself as you move through life. ​

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If you'd like to explore counselling for low self-worth, self-criticism, people pleasing or perfectionism, I offer online counselling  across the UK and face-to-face counselling in Surbiton, Kingston upon Thames and the surrounding area. Even if you haven't quite figured out what you need, but feel like it would help to talk to someone, please get in touch here

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If you're feeling overwhelmed as well as struggling with your self-esteem, you might find my page on Stress, Overwhelm and Burnout helpful too.